The writing theme for this past couple of weeks is shame. Preparation for the scenes to come about Van conditioning and molesting us. After writing one scene of an afternoon horseback riding, flashbacks of adult promiscuity and shameful sexual scenes tormented my sleep. This planted a fear to return to the page. I didn't want those images to return. So, how do I move forward?
- Pray. Read scripture. Worship. - Before writing and before going to sleep.
- After writing a traumatic scene, write another scene or narrative showing God's character (forgiveness, mercy, healing, etc.) so I can return to the page in love; not fear or shame. Maybe even write about the Romans 8:28 revelation before writing about the trauma.
- Do not get graphic - My readers are smart. They can figure it out.
This chapter is the most difficult. Chapter 4 shows the sexual abuse we endured at the hands of our stepfather. August 28th happens to be his birthday, God rest his soul. It's not irony that I'm writing about him on his birthday. Is it a reminder to honor him in some way? Is it a reminder from God that He himself is orchestrating the pages written? From the very beginning, God's timestamp is embedded on every page. He has me pause in order to prepare me for the next chapter, or He will slow me down in order to show me something in the middle of a chapter.
Romans 8:28 is the Redemption Press tagline. It is why I am writing, to tell of what God did with it all.
Our second day on my chapter 4 writing retreat was just incredible. Monica and I took in the veiled sunrise with our coffee. Later, I sought inspiration and was led to a birthday post on FB by Cledra Gross. Since it was 8/28, she shared her 8:28 birth Scripture from Romans. I happened to be writing yesterday about the way God worked out horrific trauma for good. This was the first time I'd ever heard about the concept of a 'birth scripture'. I have my life scripture which was given to me the day I accepted Christ. I've always hung onto Jeremiah 29:11. I decided to pray for my "4:17" birth Scripture.
Not all books of the Bible have a fourth chapter, nor do all of them have seventeen verses. As I searched my Biblegateway app, I was led to 2 Timothy 4:17, “But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion’s mouth.”
My birth scripture? Really? Wow, Father, you always were there. You gave me strength beyond what a child could possess. You strengthened me to remain a protector, to speak out, to rise above the circumstances. You drew me to you. You planted a longing to seek you out.
It is no wonder Dallas Willard's advice to John Ortberg echoes in my head. John Ortberg asked Dallas what was the one thing Willard could recommend that would bring new energy to Ortberg’s spiritual life. Ortberg says that Willard’s reply was “shocking in its simplicity.” Dallas Willard looked him in the eye and said, “You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life, for hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our world today.”
Not only did I need that scripture at that precise moment, but it was a divine assurance of how God was by my side, strengthening me since the earliest years of my life. I’ve always believed in God but as a child, I have no recollection of feeling or hearing Him. My little Hansel and Gretel fairytale gave me hope that God would not forsake me, and He never did. Our dinner prayers instilled my belief, “God is great. God is good."
As I write, I stop to question how I managed to find the strength to overcome it all. God's answer was in 2 Timothy 4:17.
While away on this writing retreat at Pigeon Point Lighthouse, I spent my last full day writing in Pacific Grove. One of my favorite shops has a diverse collection of journals, stationery, and note cards. The Quill is located in downtown Pacific Grove. I picked up a couple new journals. They are meant solely to collect the spiritual treasures the Lord has for me while spending time away at the sea.
I took in the sunset then lay back on the deck to take in the glory of the heavens. It's a gorgeous night at Pigeon Point with a midnight sky filled with billions of stars.
Today is also my niece, Vanessa's, birthday. Today of all days, I received a Facebook friend request from Steven Plaugher. Random. And on Van's birthday. I have zero contact with the Plaughers except for my brother and his family. I don't know what to do with this. Do I connect with him? Do I call Bobby first? I prayed for him instead. It was like the show, God Friended Me. Two days later, it all came to me in a very disturbing nightmare. I was under a spiritual attack.
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